i'm bloated. overdose of slurpee.

a concoction of emotions: satisfied, mad at myself, ashamed.

spent my time alone and felt good about it.

i choked down all my words. my throat felt painful because of that. my eyes were burned by the mid-afternoon rays. tears. what message are all these trying to convey? i simply ain't me at all. everything's falling on me, all laid out in front of me. it's up to me to accept them. i did. i stared at my own reflection. oh no,
this is all so wrong. i'm ashamed to what i've become.

maybe it's time for me to go. this year hasn't been good. i experience many downs. everyone does. but i couldn't see the reasons behind it. and now i finally realise that i'm reaching my maximum limit. i can't hold on any longer. i'm like a dangling leaf that its twigs are about to break sooner or later. and till i eventually reach the bottom, no one can ever revive me again.

maybe i bottle real deep things beneath my skin. and when they already accumulated, i vomit them all out continuously. i'm like a permeable membrane. people tell me things, i listen, i take all the important things that might be a good future reference to act like a shield and filter the rest. and from there, i got infuenced. influenced by negative thoughts of others. i gained evilness from there. i learn how to be someone i'm not. i picked up personalities to wear. it's all my fault. it's all my fault.

my insecurities changed me. why can't i try to stand on my own, alone. what happen to my self-confidence? why must i go through everyday with the grim on my face?probably it's just my mental strength. the fear of loneliness shaped me into an insecure person. and right now, my dreams seem so vague.

i'm being someone i'm not, and i can't even pursue my dreams. tell me how can go through all this? how can i continue to be there for my friends? to advise and listen like a friend should. how can i be a good daughter, making my parents proud with my achievements? i can't take this any longer. and pouring everything out here is my only way because if i were to speak, everything i said will be bits of here and there, all messed up and confusing. face it, i'm a competitive individual but the truth is, i always ended up as a sore loser.