i can't help but to think how complicated my life can be. beneath my happy exterior lies a clump of disturbing thoughts. they never fail to bombard my mind. sometimes it's just too much for me to take i can just scream. scream to the people i wanted to scream to. scream to things that i loathe. scream to vomit out emotions i've kept for so long i can swear they'd look disgusting. scream till my veins show. scream till i smile out of contentment. scream for all i want.

maybe it seemed easy for me to express. wrong. it's never easy. sometimes i think i keep things to myself too much. it hurts so bad i know that one day i'll really spit out the real truths i've been feeling all this while. and trust me, if i ever do that, things will worsen. maybe i should blame myself for supressing my feelings. call me a pretence.

i try my best not to ask myself questions like "why is life so unfair to me?" "why must this happen to me?" "why is it always me?". i tried so hard that it becomes a task. the only hope that never abandon me is God. because i know i'll never lose direction as long as He exists. because i know He's there to listen to my silent prayers. because i know only He knows what i really think and what i go through.

but maybe now i should. why is my life like this?