I don't know where to start. There's just too much things that have happened today. It's such a chilly day and I love it. So cooling and fresh. The moment I woke up, I was feeling cold. Despite my shiverings, I seemed to like it. =) I went home smiling today from training. Met my neighbour in the lift and she apologized to me because her dog has always been barking at us whenever we walked pass their home gate. And I told her it's alright. Dogs bark. I just couldn't believe it's been there for two whole years, that's all.

Have you guys ever pondered upon some questions like: What would you do if your parents ever died? Or maybe: What will happen if we were to die? What happened during the Day of Judgement? They just seemed to come to my head today. It's not like I never thought of those questions before, but it's just that today is so different. I kinda let it all out. Me and my friends decided to go to the library after crystal growing and we started telling each other stories about ghosts and those superficial stuffs. From there, we came to judgement day and about deaths. And just like a bolt of lightning, I asked my friends "Can you guys imagine if your parents died?.." And the next moment I found myself crying. I just couldn't live without them. I don't know what to do if they were gone. Who will be there by my side? Who can I ever look up to? They raised me. I told my friends I'd rather die before them. I just couldn't bear witnessing everything. But fate has written before we were born. I just don't wanna imagine anymore. And now, I just wanna tell that, I've always imagine what would happen if they were gone. Like almost whenever I'm not occupied, these thoughts will come to my head. It's not my fault. I can't stop these thoughts from coming. Everyone don't want their loved ones to go and they would ponder over these things. It's just something I have to go through in some time of my life. I just don't know when..

So we continued talking. We spill our thoughts and then we started talking about grandparents. Ais started crying over her late grandmother and I told my friends about my late grandfather. I started crying again cos.. I didn't visit him at the graveyard during Hari Raya and at any other days. It may be a no big deal to some people but it does to me. I felt guilty. I just wanna cry and let it all out. And I did. I felt contented.

I'm sorry if I've never showed that I really love you. I'm sorry that I didn't visit you. I'm sorry for not making you proud. I'm sorry if I hadn't shown how much I care for you just because I'm too busy. But I do. I really, really do. I'm just so sorry..

Thanks to my friends who's there to comfort me. It's not easy to pour out all of my feelings. *hugs* Thanks guy. Love you guys so much.

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Today went really well. Talked to Isaac during CME period. Had the normal talks we used to have for the past two years. Since CME is on relationships and pre-marital sex, me and Isaac asked each other about this love issue thingy. He told me about this girl whom he used to like. Haha. It's great knowing that someone opens up to you. And he suddenly asked me "How's that guy you used to talk about when we were sec 2?" So I told him quite abit of here and there. *sighs* But it's good that he brought up the topic. Made me stronger =)

Oh yea, me, Eleanor, Aisah and Sri talked about relationships and those stuffs. I asked Sri whether she likes any guys and she said she likes alot *giggles* So cool. Eleanor told me that Sri said that in India, they can't have steadys till they're 20. Woa. =X

Had to stand up during EL lesson for don't know what reason.LoL. I guess for talking too much Haha! Isn't that just Sakinah? Ugh. Argumentative Essay's kinda cool ya know. Hehe.

Training's as usual. Didn't bring crystal growing book again. Tomorrow hafta bring. I hate being irresposible. Tomorrow hafta go cck investiture. Great. Rafi's not prepared yet! He gots no blazer. And I hafta call the school to inform them. Wish me luck tomorrow. Haha. Ok. I guess it's enough for now. I wanna rest. Darn tired. There's muscle aches everywhere =P

Take care.
Muackz.

sakinah